Right here, right now... be who you are, live with intention, love with an open heart. No one is guaranteed tomorrow... live accordingly.
Here I am sitting at my computer, with a to-do list a mile long and I can't stop thinking about Ollie. And today I think of him in a very heavy way... Annie had her 15 month check-up this morning... On our way out, I stopped to book her 18 month appointment. The nurse behind the desk, "Hmmm, let's see, we can do January 3rd?" That's the day Ollie died, "No!" "Or, we have a few appointments at the end of December... December 28th?" That's the day Ollie went into the hospital, the first day of his last week on Earth. And, there it is... grief almost 3 years after Ollie's death, hitting me hard like a bag of bricks... and my chest feels heavy.
Just catching up on some papers from Maddie's homework folder... The last sentence... "I will hap babby with bobbob's on thr hat." Translation: I will help babies with boo boos on their hearts ❤️ Takes my breath away ❤️ So thankful for my sunshine girl ❤️
I woke up this morning with Ollie weighing heavy on my mind... Before bed last night, I couldn't stop staring at this picture of Ollie, myself, and Annabelle. Actually, I couldn't stop staring at Ollie. I had this very hard to describe feeling... almost like I had to remind myself that this little boy existed once and that he was mine... that I got to stare into these gorgeous eyes every day, I got to feel him looking back at me, run my fingers through his curls, kiss those sweet lips, nibble on those cheeks, nuzzle into that cozy little spot of his neck, LISTEN to the sounds he made. I had a son for 13 months (and I still do).
This quote. "Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." If I had to draw a picture of a mother's grief, this would be it. So poignant. I know several grieving mothers who are hurting very badly right now. And I know several others who are hurting "regular". There are different ways to carry the grief, but the pain is always there. For any angel Moms who are hurting really badly right now, I'm here to remind you that there will be better days ahead. Keep moving forward, go with the flow, and you will get there. You're not alone. There are many (too many) other Moms also learning to build their lives around the loss of their child. Sending SO much love to you brave women ❤️
The ebb and flow of grief... Lately, mine has been flowing a little more. My grief feeling a little heavier. So, as I wait for it to "ebb", I'm waiting for a sign, for something to reflect on, for my next move, and tonight a friend texts me a link to a blog called "Scribbles & Crumbs", led by a mother who lost her baby boy to a congenital heart defect. So, I go on to read a few of her posts and they consume me... I can still smell the hospital smells and hear the beeping of the monitors, and my arms ache, and I've cared for a sick child, and I've relied on my faith to get through, and I've chosen hope! My chest tightens, my stomach turns, for a second I can't breathe, and before I know it, I'm chatting her virtual "ear" off via her "contact" tab. And then it hits me... grace meets me halfway and my grief feels lighter again. This is just what I needed, my sign, my reflection, my clarity. I needed a reminder that I'm not the only one and that I have all the tools I need to keep going. This may sound redundant to some of you, but if even one person hasn't read my posts and it helps you in any way, then that's reason enough to pour my heart out a bit ❤️
A sweet sign from my baby ❤️ Visiting friends in Chicago and one of them found a picture of him on his phone that I had never seen before... I couldn't stop looking at it. I've seen all of Ollie's firsts... He won't have anymore. It was a real heart-filling experience to see this "first" 2 1/2 years after he passed ❤️ And my friends cried... they still hurt too... I'm not the only one hurting. Ollie is still impacting lives. Ollie's spirit brings forth these unexpected tender moments, our softer sides, unconditional love, and a reminder of how STRONG we are ❤️ So, he's really been on my mind since then. This bright little heart is just what I needed ❤️
Couldn't resist the wet concrete when they redid our sidewalk ❤️ #annieandollie #angelbaby #rainbowbaby #lovealwayswins #hearts
Annie got the sweetest sign from her big bro when we were opening presents at her birthday party ❤️ One of the balloons had floated into just the right spot while the sun was shining in from just the right angle... a big, beautiful heart right above Ollie's picture ❤️ Hi, Ollie!!! And, that sweet gal in the picture is Ollie's great-grandma and she is "great" indeed!
"When my husband was dying, I said: 'Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?' He told me: 'Take the love you have for me and spread it around."' -via Humans of New York
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!!! Take my love for him and spread it around ❤️ This is one of the ways I'm able to go on living after Ollie's death. Like, I need oxygen, I need food, I need sleep, and I need to spread Ollie's love around ❤️ There's just something about seeing this verbalized.
On January 3, 2013, my 1 yr old son, Ollie, passed away. That's where my life "before Ollie" ends and my grief journey begins... My new normal, my path toward healing, my life "after Ollie". I'm a grieving mother who believes in hope. This is my story.