Sigh... I found this picture in Maddie's backpack a few days ago. It's taken me awhile to process it... It's sweet beyond words and heart-wrenching at the same time. I'm grateful that Maddie still feels so much love for Ollie, but the harder you love, the harder it hurts. I hate that my sweet, sparkly, funny, unicorn and fairy-loving 6 year old girl has to carry this pain in her heart. It's not fair that her little brother was taken from her. And it reflects some thoughts I've had lately about my grief... I'm in this strange place where I've grown to treasure my grief... It's personal, it's precious, it's a measure of my love for Ollie, it represents him and I carry Ollie/ the grief/ my love for him everyday. It's the most tangible way for me to FEEL my deceased son. In my bedroom, I have a picture hanging that reads, "In my heart, there stirs a quiet pain." So, once again my sunshine girl is shedding her light on my grief, my feelings, my new normal. I'm not the only one hurt by Ollie's death. Both Maddie and I have fought very hard to get where we are. She is light and happy and loves life, but in her heart there stirs a quiet pain. She still "feels" Ollie too. She and I are walking this path together and for a reason I can't explain, knowing that Maddie feels this pain makes me love her on a whole new level... She is vibrant and strong-willed and stubborn, but she is fragile and precious and she needs to be treated as such. She's growing up, she has a big heart, and she loves in a big way ❤️ Great reminders to hold onto when I'm facing the challenges of motherhood. And so Ollie continues to enrich our lives with love... Love upon love upon love ❤️
On January 3, 2013, my 1 yr old son, Ollie, passed away. That's where my life "before Ollie" ends and my grief journey begins... My new normal, my path toward healing, my life "after Ollie". I'm a grieving mother who believes in hope. This is my story.