I woke up this morning with Ollie weighing heavy on my mind... Before bed last night, I couldn't stop staring at this picture of Ollie, myself, and Annabelle. Actually, I couldn't stop staring at Ollie. I had this very hard to describe feeling... almost like I had to remind myself that this little boy existed once and that he was mine... that I got to stare into these gorgeous eyes every day, I got to feel him looking back at me, run my fingers through his curls, kiss those sweet lips, nibble on those cheeks, nuzzle into that cozy little spot of his neck, LISTEN to the sounds he made. I had a son for 13 months (and I still do).
And after everything I've gone through during Ollie's life and since his death, I have to remind my self that he was real?! I feel like he was only here for a moment... and in that moment time stopped. And, just like that he was gone. When I was staring at this photo, I felt like this boy was someone I had only met. For one second, I had to process the fact that for 401 days I woke up with this boy, fed him, held him, played with him on the floor, rocked him, held him some more... He ALWAYS wanted to be held, which I'm SO thankful for now!... he and his big sis had bath time, they watched Yo Gabba Gabba together, they splashed at the pool, we went to doctor appointments, he laughed, he cried, he endured way too much for only having 13 months here with us, but he loved life!!! And, his BIG SIS! Maddie has a little brother. And Annie has a big brother! Ollie is a BIG BROTHER! He should be here. All of these thoughts rolled up into one, they take my breath away. And although I rarely cry anymore (thanks and no thanks to a med prescribed by my doctor), I cry. So, then I'm out this morning, waiting at the gas pump, and as the breeze blows by, I swear that I "feel" Ollie. And a few minutes later, on my way home, I pull up to a stop sign and this license plate catches my eye... "IM FINE"... I'm okay... Don't worry about me, Mom. ❤️
On January 3, 2013, my 1 yr old son, Ollie, passed away. That's where my life "before Ollie" ends and my grief journey begins... My new normal, my path toward healing, my life "after Ollie". I'm a grieving mother who believes in hope. This is my story.